Rest...Relaxation...a mindless break...I am in love...

My boss is away for 2 weeks and I am able to work from home and go in to work to pick up the mail.  I am in heaven.  I forgot what it was like to be at home without my darling husband lurking around the corner awaiting our next adventure of catchup to be ready for the week ahead.  That's what we do.  We try to stay ahead of life trying to make sure the house doesn't fall to pieces, the kids don't harvest mold in there rooms with old snack wrappers, oh and the dogs ohhhh the dogs and the hair they produce.  I could go on about floors that need to be washed, dusting oh forget it.  I'm RELAXING!!!  There is a smell right now though I could do without and I'm afraid to go looking for it.....

I'm RELAXING....and I love it.  I have missed this feeling to sit and type about nothing and just RELAX...

BUT then the phone rings as I'm typing this and...

lump on sons dad's groin area is growing and he doesn't know who to tell or what to do...STRESSSSSSS  Lymphoma sucks. 

I think I will go clean so I can try and forget that phone call.  No wonder my eye is twitching....I work for son's dad's doctor and I need to deal with this.  Must call cancer clinic and tell them.  UGH  Did I mention my boss is away for 2 weeks AKA son's dad's doctor.


Cleaning the house is blissful.....what is that smell now.  I think I'll go find that.

BUT son's dad's lungs are OK.

Holidays...

are creeping up sooo fast.  I find working doesn't allow much time to enjoy.  I have to remind myself to stop and breath and soak it all in.  I wish I could create the magic that time would allow me to do.  So many ideas but I need time to stand still for a bit to allow it to happen.  PEACE HEALTH & HAPPINESS are my wish for everyone.  I feel surrounded by chaos.  I will look hard for time to relax and breath.  My heart is going to fast lately and it makes me feel so jittery which I think is part of the problem.

Stress is such a dangerous side effect of so many experiences for me.  I wish I could turn my mind off for a bit and just think about enjoying the good that we have and the positive experiences in our little world.  They are there.  I will stop worrying about others and worry about myself for a little while.  Concentrate on the positive and release the negative...rinse and repeat.  A new mantra...of sorts.

Please god don't let there be anymore crazy stress at work today...perspective maybe perspective would help.

Lymphoma

My son's biological father is newly diagnosed with Lymphoma.  It is found in 4 places and he just had a ct scan of his lungs to be sure it hasn't spread to them.  No mother should have to tell a child that a parent has cancer.  Society tells us that the C word means death eventually.  Needless to say my 15 year old took a mental health day upon this news.  There was never a good time to tell him.

I hope this journey has a happy ending.  We are entering this with all the positive thoughts, prayers, and hope that any family can hold.  A happy ending is needed.

So many reasons to write and so little time....

Where to start...Well I have an amazing 15 year old son who is the boy who made me a mother.  He is really great, funny, smart, and really witty.  His good looks have been apparent ever since he was little and it feels like overnight he's turned into this gorgeous young man.  Watching him battle the trials and adventures in life are difficult and empowering all at the same time.  Raising him has been a great experience...preparing me to deal with his two sisters that follow him.

I also get a smack in the face reality check that says BEING A TEENAGER TODAY IS TOUGH!!

Having his sisters 4 years after him and then another 4.5 years after that has been trying on his patience.  Dealing with our youngest who looks to him for guidance and entertainment when all he wants to do is hide from her.  He has his own ideas of parenting and how he will be with his children one day.  Of course my darling son will do everything with a much stricter and format and he will stick to his word....unlike his lenient parents with these girls...ha ha.

My darling son has a hell of a time finding his path in the learning world.  The plethora of testing this boy has been through is outrageous beginning when he was in grade 2 and not finding any conclusion until he made his way to grade 10. He states that being tested all the time makes him feel separated from the class.  This wild year in grade 10 has finally brought him to a diagnosis of a learning disorder.  In order to be diagnosed with a learning disorder one needs to have a higher than normal intelligence in one or more testing areas and in his case an extreme low in another.  For my boy it is computing written information and expressing in written form.  He can verbally tell you all the right answers if he doesn't need to read to find them.  For example if he watches a movie and verbally answers a series of questions he is above average.  For years so many different professionals worked with him including two years of one on one homeschooling but within a very short period of time he would fall right back to where he was.  Along the way it's been very confusing because he is so compliant and such a great willingness to cooperate.  Great kid!  Now from this point forward he will do his tests verbally and his assignments will be on audio.  Even if it took years to accomplish these answers at least it is time for his college education.  It will all be supported until he graduates college.

In the confusion of trying to find his way through his high school courses without the supports that are now in place....marijuana found it's way into his world.  Sadly we learned after the fact that our darling son that spends almost no time away from us was finding a way to get high before class.  My boy is very clear that being high helps him concentrate.  He has asthma, it's not safe, the benefits do not outweigh the risks.  So that fragile base of trust with our teenager has been broken to some extent.  What an adventure we hoped we would never have to take yet.  So we have it all out in the open and it is said by our boy that there is not anymore "activity of substance abuse any longer".  He is under surveillance at school and we are very clear with the school that we will not tolerate further episodes.  Dealing with the reason for his desire is were we want to work on so that we can help instead of rule the iron fist.  I do believe he slipped through the cracks of the school system and was left to flounder too long with his learning disability.  We have all made it very clear to our boy that he is of high intelligence and it's an alternate way of learning.  FINALLY...answers.  Pressure from teachers who thought our boy should try harder was unfair to him and them.

Theres more in store for my boy and unfortunately he's now dealing with a VERY sad situation...BEING A TEENAGER IS HARD...

I feel sick...

My sweet (at times) beautiful, amazing daughter has cut of all of her mermaid long hair.  She had hair passed her bum and now it is to her shoulders.  She had me do it.  I feel soooo sad about it and I'm trying with every fiber of my being to love it for her.  It is so different but she is still sooo beautiful.  I think she is trying so hard to fit in in middle school and the other kids all look so natural and she tries to look so made up or older than she is. " I am 11.5 now mom please please please can I just wear lip gloss and mascara.  PLEASE!!" Well I guess so.  But she is too young and it looks so wrong on her.  I adore her but I fear the new look she is trying to create for herself.  Ahhhhh I am forcing myself to let her explore this new thing she is doing and my husband thinks she is getting way too many choices.  Hair is hair and if my sweet girl wants to cut it because my word it is a ton of work for her to deal with.  I swear it had to be just about to dip into the toilet in the bathroom when the kid sat on the toilet.  I think the worst part is that the short hair falls directly over her face and hides it.  It's day 1.  I hope the kids at school give her the reaction that she's hoping for.

The sickest part is that she told me that she needed me to come into the school with her but it would be completely unacceptable to actually have me do it.  She got out of the car and saw Little S who was previously her bestest friend before the bully incident and she betrayed her the most.  She has seen her and hung out with her periodically over the summer but Little S gave her the cold shoulder and went over to Left out Lucy and the other group of girls who where the hard core bullies as well and they pointed and talked about my sweet girl.  I fear middle school is going to be a really hard year.  I need to find a way to get involved with this school.  I think I'll peruse their website for the volunteer sign up sheet.  Did I mention she wants her hair dyed bright blue.  I think I just puked in my mouth a little.  I'm really trying not to be that controlling mom.

I still hope this turns out to be a good year.  At the moment she seems to be getting horrid nose bleeds every time she's stressed.  Aghhhhhhhhhhh

Then there is the sweet little peanut who went to her old classroom for the first day of class because that was what we were supposed to do.  We did not however bring any backpack, school supplies and indoor shoes and some of the kids did.  Keep in mind this little girl is in the groove of last year thinking same room, same kids, same teacher and without the proper tools for the day the teacher would ordinarily be disappointed in them.  The crocodile tears welled up in her eyes and I quickly took her over to her favorite teacher ever whom she was sure she was about to disappoint.  Teacher quickly informed my peanut that she was not supposed to bring anything to school today.  Not even indoor shoes.  Then the teacher showed peanut how she kept her crayons and notebook from last year so they could use it today on the very first day of grade 2 while they figure out who goes to which class for next week.  PHEWWWWW!!!  Crisis averted.  Me thinks there was some first day jitters that she kept very silent about.  Maybe it was amongst the hair hacking of her sister coupled with chronic nose bleeds that landed us with a trip to the hospital.  Poor sweet pea. 

The teenager however could NOT. WAIT. ANOTHER. SECOND. to get back to school.  He was up at 6:00 am showered and dressed in his new attire.  Then he paced around the house till I dropped him off.  What the heck?  That was way too easy.  I didn't even have to wake him up 20 times threatening to pour water on him.  Seriously... what's up with that.??  Grade 10...is it the magical year that they are finished with the dreaded adolescent defiance.   Whatever it is.... for now I will bask in the bliss of the compliant kid.

1 more hour till my littlest one can be picked up...... Ahhhhh I hope the pre teen is OK and having the funnest day of her life.

Me

Shhhhhhh...

We have been working on the volume of our voices around here.  I'd like to put a huge note on my front window and back window heck all the windows.  I'M SORRY FOR THE LOUD SCREAMING WE ARE NOW GETTING IT UNDER CONTROL!  THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE!!

I seriously have told the Pre Teen that she will need to write apology letters to every house within ear shot to let them know she is sorry for causing concern.

So this week has been a week of "volume control".  The kids start to argue and there I am in the background chanting *volume*volume*volume* quietly behind them.  That coupled with the new medication dosage for drama queen it seems to be helping.  A little anyhow.

Now if we could get this mastered I will move on to a chore board.  HA maybe I'm a little over confident.

SPAZZ!

This is the new nickname for my youngest child.  "Please don't do that!"can spark a SCREAM that takes over every word that comes out of her mouth.  The volume in my household is too much for me lately.  I really need to tone this place down.  One child makes an error and two other kids jump in with yelling at them.  What have we done to these kids?  I don't think my husband and I ever realized that our volume was turned up sooo loud that now our childrens' volume switches are broken.  How on earth do I fix it???

Now that I think about it I wonder if our Drama Queen has modelled such a behaviour that our little one figures she will get things to work out better if she reacts just like big sister.  I'm sure hubby and I play a large part too.  We are a loud family.  I do hope to change that though.

Dosage increase on Drama Queen's meds has really really REALLY helped.  I mean like instead of screaming laying on the floor kicking and slamming things and hurting people we are only hearing some crying with the occasional growl thrown in for good measure.  Almost bliss....

The teenager has returned from a wake boarding trip to Osooyos.  7 nights in a lakeside motel, meeting tons of new friends, learning to wake board, soaking up tons of sun and a slight burn.  He had the time of his life and we are so happy he has such good friends with a good family to take him on such a nice trip.  Being 15 now means he decided to skip the family trip up to Hixon for quadding and horses and shooting to be with his buddies.  Two years ago I never would have guessed he would trade us in for his friends but reality is here and now.  I've got to let him make choices and live by them.

Camping

This year was finally a fabulous age for all three of our kids to be camping.  They can entertain themselves...meet friends wherever we are and enjoy their surroundings.  They swam, hiked, walked the dogs, rode their bikes, enjoyed sleeping in a tent and finding treasures in the outdoors.

We've waited many years trying each year to camp once a year but now we can just pack up and go without all of the toddler, infant equipment that you *think* you need to function.  Life really IS getting easier with these 3 kids.

This camping trip we left for the day I was dismissed from work.  Weird but better than going home and climbing into a depression under the covers and staying there.  It probably helped. I WILL enjoy being at home until I go back to work.  There will be NO outlandish purchases until I do go back.  Money always seems to make things easier.

If life was as simple as it is when you are 6.

Without a care in the world other than the next activity.  No worries or fears.  Not even that a horse might kick her.  Thankfully they feel her confidence.

A Job Interview....and a ramble too.

I got a request for an interview with a podiatrist office locally and am just waiting for a date and time.  Feet feet feet....I do love working so we'll see where this goes.

My doctor that I previously worked with is also working on opening a new office as we met the other day and he is not at all interested in continuing in the situation he is in without the type of assisting that he had from my presence. 

What I cannot believe right now is that this time that I am off work here at home and we are now finished all of our summer trips I AM SICK SICK SICK.  I think the stress of everything is tumbling down over me and coming out in illness.  I want to clean my house....really deep clean it.....and get all the laundry caught up.  I'm hoping today is a better day and I can get something accomplished.

My pre teen drama queen is having a heck of a time holding herself together.  I don't know if it's the upcoming start of going to middle school....or is she just sick and it's giving her seizures in the night...or is she not responding to the increase in meds.  We have increased her tegratol by half  a pill in the evening and then two weeks later (Sept 1) we will increase it another half a pill in the morning.  We are hoping that it will help with the seizures and her coping skills AND being able to keep her thoughts organized for middle school.  We sat down together after purchasing a combination lock and figured out how to open it.  Prior to that she was melting down every other day about how she would never learn and it was too hard and she was scared.  They have lockers with combination locks in middle school.  We've mastered it and she is confident.  She carries it around the house every now and then opening and closing it.  There is much happiness about this.

All school supplies are labelled for my girls and now I need to weed through the closets and see what they need.  So far these girls don't need any clothes.  Why do I feel like I have to purchase school clothing?  All my life there were piles of clothing bought at back to school time.  UGH  I don't know about other kids but my girls only need indoor shoes for back to school and that's all they suggest they need too.  I shop for them all year long and I always buy those gap pants or that great sweater on the clearance rack that will fit the drama queen in the fall for example and put them in her closet so both girls have oodles of stuff.  So why do I feel the pull to drag my girls down to the GAP and buy them each a few new outfits.  I think I am broken.  I have enough laundry.  I'm hoping I can wait until it's cold out and then we can go out and buy some things.  Or not.....  Heck they'll wear their summer clothes for the first month or two back to school anyway.  Get over it mom!

Sweet Pea Learns to ride a bike!

The pride that beams from a child that has just taken the leap to a two wheeler is magnificent.  She has gained oooooodles of confidence from this minor milestone in the grand scheme of things.  She is sooooo proud and we are so proud of her.  It was in her own time and she is 6.5, almost 7 but wow it's been fun for this little one.

Now she won't get off the bike and we are expected to  be out front at all times watching her ride her heart out  good lord, so much for pajama days due to no employment.  Gotta be dressed and out the door so this kid can ride her bike.  I tried the oh hunny wait till daddy gets home....not cutting it anymore.  LOL  I put a stinking trampoline and pool in the backyard so we didn't have to dodge the cars out front.  Those days are over now.  My kids are growing up.

I lost my job...

Let me start by saying I worked for a very intelligent Dr whom I have great chemistry with.  I know what he needs some times just by the look on his face when he is walking up to me.  I can finish his sentences and there hasn't ever been an issue that I haven't been able to remedy for him.

He is aging and wanted to work with a colleague in a joint office situation.  He pondered a few different offers and we both thought that the situation we chose was possibly a good choice.  It is a walk in clinic with a family practice Dr. who also runs his practice out of the building.  It was understood that he was just changing location and not structure of his practice.  When we were half way moved into the office they changed the deal.  It would be a percentage that he would pay and out of that percentage they would pay my wages and his practice related expenses.


Or so we thought...

FIRST paycheck my wages were cut by 4.00 without any warning whatsoever.  THEN there was huge controversy because I was too friendly to the patients and too helpful.  THEN they did not want me working as many hours as I did.  (I start early and leave late but never charge for my time over and above my scheduled hours.)

It all went downhill from there... the office manager who sat beside me had a standard answer for patients when they asked how long the wait might be  "I don't know I left my magic 8 ball at home today".  If a mom was in to see the doctor and she had a child with her and asked where the bathroom was for her little one she would tell her "the bathroom is for patients only, you will have to walk over to Safeway with her to use that washroom."  If an elderly person needed to use the phone to call the handi dart (taxi bus for disabled and elderly) she would say no the phone is not for patient use.

After listening to this women treat people like crap ALL. DAY.  LONG. I was ready to melt into a puddle of tears.  I felt soooo bad for the patient and the way she spoke down to them and struggled to even ask a question of this woman who wouldn't listen or allow them to explain anything.

It was a bad decision to move there.  I helped make that bad decision and I struggle with that.

Our patients knew I was unhappy because they could see it on my face and my whole demeanor.  I tried to go with the flow and gave it everything I had.  EVERYTHING.

Suddenly the hours were cut and the last two weeks of August I was only working 2 days per week.  I was confused and was sure something was up.  Nobody said a word.  I kept telling my doctor that they were going to get rid of me and he said no, hold on till the end of the month and I'll see if i can find another office to move to.  Please hold on.   So I held on....

I came and my doctor had been trying to reach me all morning because on the impromptu day off that they decided I should have the day before they had sat him down and informed him that i would be dismissed.  He told me he would pay for  a lawyer for me if he could afford it as it was not right what they were doing.  It wasn't right but I told him I didn't want to work next to a woman who could treat people the way she did.  It was a toxic situation and I felt like although I loved working for him and all of the patients the location was unhealthy for me.  He agreed and told me to hang in there and hope that he finds another office before I find another position.

Then they handed me a letter and told me I wasn't good enough to work in their clinic. I cried and can't help but feel well not good enough.

Oh ya the last two weeks of August they cut my hours considerably on purpose so that my severance pay would be half of what it should be.

So I'm done for now and moving on to something else.  I love school so I'll take a course and upgrade.  Then I will work full time again in the very near future.  For now my kids need me to get them oriented into school for the year in the next few weeks.

Beach Babes

Whiterock for a day trip.  A day of kids with friends over and picnic at the ocean.  A visit to the beach for some bare feet in the sand. 

After my family recovers from what they call the horrible smell they actually have fun.  What a bunch of wimps.  I think the ocean is beautiful and powerful.  It turned out to be a great day and enjoyed by all.

I never imagined.....

not in my wildest dreams that my child would develop epilepsy.  Or maybe she's had it all of her life.  I am going to ask the neurologist the next time I see her.  On to my bloggable decompression.  You see I come here to type out the stress and things magically feel a wee bit better.  Anyhow.  The pre teen was invited to go camping with a friend and the friends grandparents for 10 days.  The Dad and I looked at each other and the first thing he said to me was "that's a long time for her to be away from us"...  You see...lack of sleep can cause her to have a seizure, an illness can cause her to have a seizure.  She only has seizures in her sleep and they are grand Mal type and if she has anything in her bladder well it expels.  You see where I'm going with this.  SO we let her go because she wouldn't have it any other way.  We made sure her phone was with her and had unlimited texting so that she could contact us whenever she wanted to and we could remind her to take her epilepsy med.  Then on Day 5 (I think) she texts me at 6am saying mom, "this is the worst camping trip ever.  I just woke up from a seizure in pee, I feel like I'm going to vomit and I'm the only one awake and there is nobody here to help me."  OK Rip my heart out and stomp on it.  She's probably not had enough sleep and now she's completely embarrassed and I cannot protect her from this.

So I think fast and I text her back "Listen to me kiddo, put the blanket and the wet clothing in the garbage bag that I put into your suitcase for dirty laundry.  OK"

Pre Teen, "OMG Mom I cannot do that because friend freaked out last night because it was cold so she went and got a different blanket so I soiled their blanket.  AND MOM friends teenage sister is sleeping here in the tent with us."

ME, "Pre Teen, listen to me, what is friends mom's cell phone number so I can text her??"

Other mom works in the same profession as me and I told her that if Pre teen was to have a seizure in the form of a grand mal pre teen would be aware by waking up wet.  So after about a half an hour of back and forth about how this is the worst experience of her life she managed to get the other girls moms cel phone number so I could text her.

I text the mom and she tells me she will go into the tent and get the blanket out and check on the preteen.  All was well after that.

She swam that morning and cleaned up and told me it had all blown over.  NOT FOR ME!!  I was still horrified about the whole ordeal.  I don't think I'll ever get used to this.

I am however glad she gets over these things rather quickly.

Puppy Love...

The sweetest little girl and the sweetest little chow chow in my world.  There is nothing like the love we have for our chow chows.

Tooo tired to write much more.  Day of cleaning and organizing tomorrow.  I hope. Even the best laid plans... The kids only have one more week of school and then all hell breaks loose around here.  I need to find some serious organization before that happens. 

Post to come on the Bullying drama...

Tired Mom

My Youngest Baby is Growing Up...

She is growing and changing so quickly that I forget to stop and soak it all in.  Ahhhhh... This is where blogging...writing...photography..finding balance after my entrance into the work force seems to have struck me with the difficulty.  STOP and hug my kids, hear what they have to say, kiss them, find out what they enjoyed about their day and what the worst part was.  I need to keep that part of my world up to date so I can keep up with my kids.  This little person in this picture is so precious to me and she can get lost in the shuffle of having a teenage brother and a pre teen sister with epilepsy.  She is the most fabulous 6 year old in my whole world and she is sooooo darn sweet too.  Graduating Grade 1.

Mommy's sweet baby...

Bullies part 2

Bullies exposed.  The preteen has finally had enough I guess.  She and her sister got a mommy imposed mental health day home from school yesterday to escape it all.  My youngest was crying about EVERYTHING under the roof.  The kids at school were playing my girls against eachother being nice to the little one and not the pre teen.  It was not good for either of them.  My pre teen waited all year to sing in a talent show in front of the whole school but pulled out of the group because she couldn't handle the abuse.  She commented to one of them and was told "I didn't know animals could talk".  Another time she was told "I don't know how you ever fit into those jeans."  Called a Hippopotomus over and over again... so enough was enough.

Siezures seemed to be coming every other night from the stress of it all.  So THEN one of the little girls who has noticed from the side lines all of this happening had said ENOUGH is ENOUGH and then she marched the Pre Teen straight to the principal's office to tell her.  The principal has interviewed all of the girls involved.  It's interesting though.  She behaves as this is just life and so what and it cannot be controlled because the other girls all tell different stories.  Hmmm how about the other kids on the school grounds that have witnessed this and rallied around my kid to tell her to go to the principal.  These kids have a history.  OOooooo my kid swore at them in defence.  Tell me what she should have DONE!....  Anti bullying pink shirt day my ASS. Full of crap.  I am thinking of moving may little peanut to the other school down the road from us in the other direction.  I am just so frusterated.

Now pre teen is supposed to go and sit at the middle school with all the girls who abused her to talk about bullying and she does not want to.  WHY SHOULD SHE?  She's still scared of them.

She's not even going to go to that school anyhow.  Because of them.

Bullying!

I am unsure what to feel right now. My daughters are being bullied. Foremost my 11 year old treasure of a gorgeous girl is being bullied and I am sad, angry and just plain horrified. WHY!?!

She has gone to this school as the new kid this year and epilepsy be dammed she was confident, intelligent, beautiful, head held high, and had new best friends within the first week. The teacher commented to me that she found my pre teen to be the first of her kind to come in so flawlessly and fit in so quickly with ease. Within the first couple of months the pre teen sang her heart out (a taylor swift song) while her good friend played the guitar. The kids in the class were all impressed.

EXCEPT ONE OR TWO IN THE NEXT CLASSROOM OVER!!! I guess there is a little friend in the next classroom that was NOT happy about the pre teens entrance into the last year in elementary school before middle school. You see, the kids here go grade K-5 in elementary and then off to 6-8 in middle school then 9-12 in high school. Grade 5 is the big kahuna year in the little elementary peeps land. Well pre teen hit it off immediately with Little S who is this adorable girl who sings her heart out to whoever will listen too. Little S and Pre teen are very much alike and then on meet the teacher night at the beginning of the year they found out THEIR. DADS. WORKED. TOGETHER. in some capacity. How cool is that to the pre teen and little S. This just solidified that they were meant to be friends. Play dates, birthday parties, sleepovers, on and on. ALL while there was this other little girl we'll call Left Out Lucy. Well Left Out Lucy lived a couple of doors down from LittleS. They still saw each other all the time but Left Out Lucy had nothing nice to say about the Pre Teen. I never found out till now because the Pre Teen always ignored it and never said anything. Which is fine and appropriate behavior for that level.

TILL.... Left Out Lucy moved away from the neighborhood Little S lived in and OUCH that probably sucked for her. She has no idea that Pre Teen could probably identify with how that feels if she stopped and gave Pre Teen a chance. The Pre Teen would forgive anyone of anything...... BUT it escalated much much more.

The preteen reacts with STOP IT, SHUT UP, LEAVE ME ALONE, GET LOST, she has tried returning the innuendos but she tells me that the Left Out Lucy has a really sharp tongue and no matter how you try to argue or stand up to her she has something meaner and nastier to say back to her.

How many people can we get on the band wagon to go against the preteen. Facebook innuendos began. OMG you are at HER house, how FUN, (insert sarcasm here). Then in the halls at school "Look it's the village bicycle!" (by the way preteen hasn't even kissed a boy, I don't know why I feel the need to say that.) Hey Pre Teen I think you should lay off the pudding cups. On and on and on.

Whenever this Left Out Lucy is hanging with any mutual friends of the Pre Teen's they say nothing. They will call Pre Teen later and say sorry and pre teen believes them. She will forgive anyone. She just wants everyone to be friends.

Preteen is scared to death that I am going to tell the teacher and that it will get worse. She is terrified to be called a rat and the bullying to get worse. It is the end of the year and this child may or may not show up at her middle school to take revenge and my child is horrified. I don't know what to do. I have told preteen that this is victim behavior. Have you ever seen the American Girl (Chrissa Stands Strong). My kid is the victim...
I am lost and don't know what to do. Pre teen has enough to deal with. The seizures seem to be every other night right now.

Taking the bull by the horns...

I work at a physicians office.  I am the girl who does everything he needs, might need, or wants done when it comes to medical information and processing it.  Sooooo I called Children's Hospital and got my child's MRI results because they were not going to jump out and tell me themselves.  It was NORMAL!!!!!  I am over the moon that that hurdle is crossed off and we have this landmark of sorts to say my darling fashion diva has a normal MRI.  Each of my 3 kids are everything to me. normal normal NORMAL!!!!!  Load of stress has now been lifted from this ladies lap.

BUT we have had another siezure last week.  The next day she started coughing.  Illness makes her have them.  I don't know the spread of them when looking at a pattern but the nurse at Children's yesterday can see a pattern and we are going to increase her tegratol again.  It was to that level before and she did fabulous.  I think it was 400 mg twice per day and she was wonderful.  No meltdowns.  BUT I accidently increased it too quickly and after a wonderous 3 weeks we reduced it and had some bloodwork done so we could make sure she wasn't toxic.  She wasn't.  But we have been slowly working our way back up ever since.  She rages like a horror film.  Not fun for us.

Homework time this morning.  Good times.
I MISS being a stay at home mom.

Still no news...

On the mri front.  I called and spoke to the nurse in the neurology unit at BC Childrens and she said they go over the film first to be sure there are no glaring abnormailities (thank god on that front) but then they have the pediatric neuro radiologist go over it very carfully to make sure there is nothing.  They look for lesions or growths of any kind that could cause siezures.  Soooo we wait....because there is apparently only one of these such doctors in our province.  My fingers and my heart is crossed that it's all fine.  The behavior coming out of this child is sending us around the bend though.  She tells us the only thing she can think of is that she must be having more siezures at night because she can't even stand anybody speaking around her at times.  Irritability scale is off the charts.  Trouble with friends at school, calling her sister unmentionable names and hitting.  We are SO.TIRED.OF.THIS!!  What is a parent to do though??  Is it a brain tumor or is it epilepsy or is it plain old nasty rotten brattyness???  I would love to know from ANYONE!!!  We are so tired and emotional and did I mention tired.

Example...

Mom or Dad.... pre teen can you please do your home work

Preteen.... I DONT HAVE ANY

Mom or Dad....pre teen can you bring me your planner

Preteen... GRRRRRRRRR  RAHHHHHHH YOU NEVER BELIEVE ME

Mom or Dad.... pre teen we need to sign your planner every day.

Preteen... I LOST IT OK  Screaming and crying goes on for hours.

...........................................................................................

Mom or Dad.....Please empty the dishwasher

Preteen... GRRRRRRRRRRRRR RAHHHHHHHHHHH Lays down on kitchen floor and continues screaming feet and follows mom or dad around house screaming and howling.



______________________________________________________________

I never imagined I would have a child who could scream until her nose bled.  I pray they adjust her meds and help us help her.  This is not life.  This is not living.

Tired...

Ode to the little one...

Houston! I think we have a problem here!

As I sit at my computer on a Saturday afternoon thankful that finally I can sit and there is peace and quiet for at least one single moment.  I suddenly hear screams of horror and fear from the smallest of our crazy family....crazily looking for either a mirror or a parent.  Whomever she could find first to confirm her fear of BLOOD.  At first I thought maybe the sweet darling evil cat may have scratched her eyes out finally.  After all he's not the kindest kitty in the coop.  Although she is not the most gental child in the wild either.  lol  OR maybe she could have a bleeding nose from sticking her finger up there the dry air lately.  Anyhow....there were screams of terror coming from my child like there could be a trip to the hospital in her near future...BUT...she finds me and you want to know what this panicked child had going on.  This screaming in terror, hyperventillating kid!?  A.LOOSE.TOOTH.  with a tiny bit of blood.  Ummm kiddo....god love you but lord help you when you get your period.

We are in a leeeetle bit of trouble.  Never have I met anything like her.

No news is good news....

I'm hoping....

because well the alternative is unthinkable for this mom.

Off to bed....

Still waiting for MRI results...

Waiting is really hard. It is the hardest part of all of it. I don't know anything and I don't know when I will. My boss (who is a doctor) and I are going to call today to see if we can learn anything. UGH. My child. Her brain. Did I mention that this is really hard.

I can't imagine what she must wonder. My beautiful girl.

Time to get ready for work.

I took the phone away from the pre teen....

Last week for behaving horribly to her little sister and everyone else around her. I DONT KNOW WHERE I PUT IT!!! Oh my gosh I am one mom in deep. S**T! It must be here somewhere. I am terrible, I admit it. Mom of the year goes to me. 1st because what 11 year old needs a cel phone anyhow and 2nd how can I take it away and lose it. oooo I hid it good this time.

In other "log it in the blog" news my 15 year old is in LoooOOOOoooVeee. Ooooo it's starting now. Lord help us if they break up. This girl is really nice and smart and respectful BUT they are young and in LoooOOOooooVeeee and the highs can come with some deep lows. I hope this doesn't end badly. Or worse ..... SEXX ugh (careless sex). Nooooooooooo La La La La La La La La. I don't know what's worse. Driving the first year or sex while still school aged. SHOOT ME NOW!!! I don't know if I can handle this times THREEEEE! I should have read a readiness handbook about all this stuff before a begged for this all times 3. Why wasn't I forced to read that handbook. It probably wouldn't have changed me but I wouldn't be in shock about it.

The husband is building a deck (well a half deck) around the pool today so I can sit up there and make sure the mess maker I mean darling 6 year old doesn't drown. OR drink daquaries in the sun with toes in the water. I think there are pool chairs for that. I will be buying my OWN for such purpose. Once we figure out how to keep this large body of water clean. For crying out loud the scum is growing already and we have yet to figure out the chemicals. My job for today is to master the pool chemicals and eliminate the green goblins growing on the bottom of our pool already.

Off to find a site for pool chemicals.

The MRI is Over....

And we don't know when we get the results. I will call the pediatric neurologist on
Monday though. Children's Hospital is amazing. If pre teen has a grand mal in the night and I call the will put me right through. I can speak to whomever I need and they are so warm and kind. They know it's not fun for me or the pre teen. They adjust meds over the phone and send prescriptions. I love them. Done't get me wrong I pray all the time that we did not need them in our lives but if we have to have someone BC Children's is the place to be for us. NOW... we just pray that we do not need them any more than we already do.

So there was a little misconception when they got Pre Teen to agree to the MRI with no general anesthetic....yeah. Say what you can to get the kids to agree to it if it's necessary and once they get there they cannot back down. Well it worked anyhow. Back before Christmas we saw the neurologist at the hospital and they had concerns that Pre Teen needed the MRI ASAP but if we waited for sedation it would be WAY longer than if she did it awake. Soooooo being that our Pre Teen has sensativity issues from the seizures that she has one of them among many is chlosterphobia. Fun times. It's ok kiddo we'll buy you your favorite movie. So we arrive there and uh oh. The radiology nurse says I hate it when they make those promises to the kids. The part of the brain that they are trying to get pictures of they do not want Pre Teen's eyes darting back and forth and the DVD machine also causes some issues too. So anyone who reads this and is told that your child get's to watch a movie in the MRI machine at BC Children's it's a common misconception for neurology patients. I don't known about other parts of the body. It may not interfer.

Pre Teen said it wasnt as loud as she thought it was going to be. The only thing she said that bugged her was the itch on her arm and one on her nose. Otherwise it was fine. I'm glad we made it through with no general sedation.

Now with every fiber of my being I pray that we are just experiencing the run of the mill epilepsy and nothing more.

Time to figure out what the heck I'm going to wear to work.


Good times.

Teenage boy just says "Mom I don't think I have any clean clothes." who's fault is that son. Possible mine (teenage boy). Well son I guess you should wash some hey! hmmmmm.... (Teenage boy cleaned his room last night and probably put his clean and dirty clothes all in the laundry. Sorry about your luck dude.)

Good Times!

MRI's, lost channel changers, & keys, oh my!

It's been a busy couple of days. Either today or tomorrow is Courtney's MRI. To be confirmed this morning. Through the stress and anxiety I screwed up writing the appointment but she told me Thursday, May 5th. Today is Wednesday and it's the 5th. Ahhhh now my husband is in a fluff.

Some how the kids have lost both the channel changers for both of the televisions. I don't pay attention to the tv's so it's quite nice for the house to be so quiet. I am laughing inside. They are missing their digital television. I wonder if they think I hid them on them. I didn't though. LOL


Laptop is running out of power....

The long awaited MRI test

It's coming up on May 5th. We just got the call. For my darling pre teen fashion queen to have her MRI. We find out if this is a run of the mill epilepsy thing or a tumor type thing. I have done no research on what else because well....just the thought of it makes me want to hide under the covers and let the tears roll on forever. So yeah. Ignorance is bliss....in my world. I'm not the praying type but gosh I'm praying now. She is the sun...the moon...and the stars to us. I'll take epilepsy in the run of the mill fashion and do the careful dance of meds and diet and healthy lifestyle over any other big scary.........whatever. I am frightened to learn. So anticipation is well....a bit high for me. Not to mention that I'm sick...and coughing all night long. It doesn't help. Worry sucks and stress makes me really sick so I'm hoping I can still kick this cold in a couple of days.

I think the pre teen is sick right now too. It hurts to breath when she is laying down. We will have it checked today. She always has something going on. She is so strong though.

It's also her birthday this week. AND it's the boys birthday this week too. They got phones. Yeah I know but yeah we did it anyway.

Time to get the kids up and ready for work.

I dream of a sick day but there's nobody to be me at work.

Weight Loss

Wow! Today is probably the umteenth time I've been asked if I'm pregnant. And these people are sure when they state it to me. Ahhhhhhh

The running joke in the house and at work right now is let's not feed the babies too much. For crying out loud I'm NOT PREGNANT!!!! Nor do I plan to ever be that way ever again. I love babies and all but I truly am done with my 3 amazing kids. The message for me here is LOSING WEIGHT NOW.

So for the first time in my life I could not be more commited to devouring only the veggies and fruits that will pave my way to a non pregnant looking state. I was at 187lbs when this journey began and today we are at 181 lbs. They say slow and steady wins the race. I just need to stay the course. Heck I've even stopped putting the milk in my coffee to reduce the calories. I want to decide not to spend the rest of my life overweight. Now can I really make this happen is the real question. Time will tell. 150 would be a healthy body weight. 31 lbs to go.

I think I'm off to round up a ticker. LOL

Getting back into the groove.

Introduction.

Tired Mom: I am a mom of 3 kids and they are my everything. I live for them and have a hard time thinking of myself. Here I go again....now I will talk about me. I have a chronic illness that puts me under the covers for a few days a month it seems. I keep my chin up and don't let it win and I never will. It hasn't been definately pinpointed yet but after 6 years of investigations and multiple diagnosis' it seems the docs may be settleing on lupus. Whatever. It doesn't change anything. As long as I'm here to love and raise my kids into amazing human beings I am happy. As long as I put one foot in front of the other through this adventure I will kick lupus' ass.

The Man: Husband of mine for many years. He is the funniest man I know and has the kids laughing non stop when he's not tired. He keeps humour around the house and we'll keep him. Although our six year old says even if we argue once a week we should get a divorce because we fight too much. hmmmm I think she just wants to play us off eachother.

The Teen: 15 and crazy for girls. He is the amazing child that made my dream of becoming a mother come true. I'll keep him too. He can be a true grump and a true friend. I could never imagined how amazing he would have turned out. That doesn't mean he behaves all the time. He can be defiant and rude just like any teen but we are happy if that's all we have to deal with.

The Pre Teen: Or maybe we should call her fashion queen. Amazing child has thrown us for a loop for years now. Has recently been diagnosed with epilepsy and we are working through it the best we can. She is doing well and handling the meds as well as to be expected.

The Youngest One: Spirited and adventurous. She is our fun loving free as a bird crazy girl. Loves hard, plays hard and does nothing half way. Everything is all the way for this girl. Unending beauty and radiance.

The Lion: The Dog of our dreams. Listens and pays attention to everything you say or do.

The Bear: Maybe we should call her princess. She thinks she is a human who needs softness and pillows and couches to sleep on. Oh and she won't pee on wet grass. Yeh we're not happy about it.

The Cat: From Hell. This cat is not liked by many in our house. We keep him around so he can continue to abuse us and our children as dutiful pet owners. What the hell is wrong with us? We are broken!

There are fish and that's all I have to say about that.